For humanity's sake, what the...?!

Laugh with me, people, I met three sleazeballs.

No kidding.

I had the chance to be online today and waste my precious time in front of my computer. Anyway, I was doing my assignments when I came across a page of my used-to-be notebook. I saw an email address there. I recalled it was mine, so I decided to check it out. I haven’t opened it in months/years, and I was quite doubtful whether it was still functional. Anyway, I typed the password I committed to memory and viola! Email – there it is! (Like Boots in the Dora the Explorer. Haha.)

Anyway, to kill time while waiting for some pages to load (I’m checking out some assignments), I dug my inbox and found 82 unread messages. I was, naturally, curious to find out who were bothering to email me. I opened my inbox.

It turned out that Friendster has been bugging me for the past year with their updates (I don’t need ‘em, thank you). I continued digging (okay, looking) for other messages. One caught my attention. It said:

Friendster message from Randy

I twitched my brows in confusion. Who the hell is Randy? I didn’t know anyone by that name. So, why would that dude – someone I don’t know - send me a note? Still curious (although it nauseated me when I saw those freakin’ biceps he flaunted and posted as his image), I tried logging in to read his message. Unfortunately, I forgot the password and so I had first to have my information sent to me.

I then opened my account. I even had to take another look at the profile my friend and I created, since I’ve forgotten all about it. (This friendster account I’m talking about is a big sham; my friend and I once tried to pull pranks on our friends, so we created this email and friendster. It’s got nothing true in it. I even said we’re from NY and know how to speak four languages [Admittedly, I know a bit of French, Italian and German, but I’m no expert]! Hahahaha!) Afterwards, I clicked the messages’ link and was faced with the following subjects of the messages: (they’re funny, but don’t laugh!)

Dude#1: hey babe

Dude#2: whats up babe

Dude#3: hi babe

I sat there, astounded out my wits. I was like, Shit, dude! What the hell is this?! Load of crap?!

Anyway, instead of logging out or something like that, I decided to click on the messages and have a view of what’s hell on earth. Dude#1 is named KILE and sent me the freakin’ stomach-churning note which said something like this gibberish:

hey babe whats going on?

just saw your profile online and wondered if youd like to chat.

check out sexywebcams4you.com/kyle for a few more pics of me getting freaky;-) friendster doesnt have a webcam option either, so if you wanna check me out when im online, u can do that from the site as well

ttyl,
kyle

I rolled my eyes in dis-fucking-belief. If I knew him, I would have said:

You freakin’ Kyle/Kile/whoeveryouare! How dare you freakin’ assume I’d bother to have a good look at your shameful face?! I’ve got so many friends with the most beautiful faces, so why in hell would I insult my eyesight, huh? Conceited jerk! Also, I don’t like chatting with people freakier than I, so go find yourself a stupid dudette who’d be vacuous enough to chat with someone like you! Don’t ever try to be online, else I’d send an Invincible Armada to kick your butt!

P.S. Arrange your friggin’ grammar. It makes you look stupider and drearier than you already are.

That was nice, releasing your emotions. Dude#2’s name is CORY, and sent me something as friggin’ CURIOUS as this junk:

hey, just managed to get my webcam up, curious if youd like to check me out? if youd want to see, some of my previous cam pics are uploaded at sexywebcams4you.com/cory

hope to c ya!

If we met, I’d tell him this:

Look, your curiosity isn’t being asked. I don’t give a damn if you’ve got this webcam of yours. I don’t even imagine myself considering the idea of viewing any more of your atrocious face, so shut up.

Hope to see me? More like ‘WISH’ to see me since that smug request of yours is next to hell freezing over. You haven’t even heard of something called ‘punctuation mark’, so why would I waste time on you? Geez, man, haven’t you graduated elementary yet?

Dude#3, whose name is Randy, sent me crap which said this:

heyya, saw your profile and just wanted to drop ya a msg. i just recently got some pictures of me online (besides here on friendster;)

u can see them at 1homepages.com/randy

msg me back when you get a chance

Randy

I’d say:

Sorry, no chance, Dude#3 (that’s my name for you, by the way). I don’t care if you viewed my profile; I didn’t ask, did I? Keep things like that to yourself, why don’t you? Also, you think the world gives a damn if you upload some friggin’ pictures of yours? Why? Are you supposed to be a celebrity?? I still don’t care if you are. I didn’t call for you, did I?

Nah, there’s no way I’d message you back. It’d be waste of time talking to someone so uninteresting, so why the heck would I bother? I’d rather collect garbage. At least, I won’t get to see you.

TO THESE THREE DUDES: You’ve got a very, very astounding similarity. You know what it is? THE ONLY WORD IN YOUR VOCABULARY IS THE WORD ‘BABE’. Tsk. Very, very pathetic, eh? You’ve got yourselves very limited vocabulary, I must say.

TO ANYONE WHO DOES THIS KIND OF CRAP: Go find yourselves another hobby. The world’s people are already much too depressed to hassle themselves just to view your fugly pictures. Quit saying the word ‘babe’, ‘cause it’s much too clichéd and cheap to be paid attention to.

This trick doesn’t work anymore, so get a life, LOWLIFES.

~How About That